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fic - idiocy [dorm] - the turnip patch
version 2.0
fic - idiocy [dorm]
Title:  Idiocy
Series:  Moments in a Dorm Room
Summary:  I'm sure I use the word 'idiot' far too many times in this chapter, but it's sort of necessary when discussing lowbrow humor.

A Moment in a Dorm Room

Duo yawned as he dropped his bag to the floor next to his desk.  Perhaps it was the shrinks' intention to make their days so mind-numbing that they would have nothing better to do than think about the future.

"Message for you," Heero told his roommate from his seat on his bed, gesturing at the slip of paper he had left on Duo's desk.  "Someone slid it under the door."

Duo examined it before picking it up.  Regular notebook paper, torn less than neatly despite the convenient perforations provided by the notebook's manufacturer.  Sloppy.  The writing itself was neat, if round and happy.  And girly.  Hearts dotted the 'i's.  He noticed that before he even read the contents, and shook his head.  Scanning the rest of the message confirmed for him what he had thought the note to be.  He snorted, and tossed the scrap of paper into the wastebasket.

If it had been the beginning of their incarceration at this school, maybe he would have replied in a more positive manner, but he had no patience for such things now.  It saddened him, in a way.  He'd started with an interest in exploring this strange thing known as 'being a teenager', only to find it jading even to an already cynical mind.  The disdain he felt for his so-called 'peers' was spreading even to his perception of the 'adults'.  He saw now that those petty men and women that would lead the world to ruin had never grown and matured, but simply shifted their sorry, teenaged selves into a new, flabbier and grayer, arena.  This boded ill for his future prospects.  Now that he was being grumpy at pretty much everybody, that didn't leave him with very many choices for friends, let alone someone... 'special'.

He dutifully pulled a textbook out of his bag, with no intentions of actually using it any time soon.  "Ever think about girls, Heero?"

Heero finished drawing a neat box around the answer to his last physics problem before looking up.  "No."

As if he had expected the answer to be anything else.  He suspected he knew the answer to his next question as well, but he asked it anyway, just to be thorough.  "Ever think about boys?"

"No."  Heero inserted his homework into the proper folder and set it aside for his assigned literature reading.  He waited before beginning the chapter, expecting there to be a follow-up question or two, but none came.  Deciding to have the matter settled before he had to be interrupted mid-paragraph, he provided a prompt.  "Why do you ask?"

Duo thought to shrug it off, but he noted the bright green flyer he had folded up to use as a bookmark sticking out of his text.  He pulled it out, gave it a cursory glance, then tossed it into the wastebasket as well.  "This dance thing.  Whole school's buzzing about it.  It's a *dance*, for chrissake.  How utterly lame.  Like I would dress up in some fancy duds and dance.  Who the hell goes to these things?  You and me, bud, we'll play it cool and stay in like normal people."

"I've been to a dance," Heero volunteered.

"You wha--?"  Duo stared at him, faintly aghast.

"At Relena's school."

"Oh.  Doesn't count."  What a relief.  This wasn't the first dance that the school had hosted while they were there.  He was pretty sure Heero hadn't gone to the last one, but he didn't remember with absolute certainty.  It would be a bit disturbing if Yuy had snuck out to attend a party.  "Wait, does that mean you danced?"

"A little."

"You dance?"

"A little."


"It was just a simple box step."  Basic ballroom dancing was formulaic enough to be well within his realm of capability.  Though he also had no intentions of attending this party, he was confident in his ability to perform.  The academy's students were well off enough that the dance would be formal.  It was the uninhibited gyrating that passed for casual dance that would foul him up.  "I'm sure you could pick it up after a little observation."

"You just used the term 'box step'.  Trippy-plus."

Heero would take his word for it, and appeared to accept that as the end of the conversation.  Duo had finally resigned himself to zipping through his problem sets when Heero spoke again.  "You ever think about... mothers?"

"Mothers?"  Failing an answer that he was comfortable with, he did a little sidestep.  "That's kinda sick, man, considering I was just asking about girls.  And boys."

It took Heero a few seconds to make the oedipal leap.  A wrinkle formed between his brows.  "That's not what I meant."

"Then why are you asking?"

"The subject came up today.  In a way."

At least Duo had the excuse of being exposed to various sheets of paper that had brought the subject of boys and girls to mind.  He hadn't done the assigned reading yet, but he didn't think any mothers were involved.  "Having to do with a dance?" he ventured, seeking that missing link.

"Yes."  Heero's attention wandered off briefly before he explained himself.  "Rick was being Rick."

Duo could imagine.  He'd figured out that it was probably best to stay out of the thug's way this time of year.  Too much testosterone was released into the air as the males jockeyed for the best positions around the females.  "Guy's gotta find a better hobby."

The would-be bully seemed limited enough in his interests that Heero couldn't imagine what it could be.  "He said several things that baffled me."

"Heh, I'll bet."

"I understand the part about having to bring my mother as a date to the dance."

Duo snorted.  "Oh, real original.  Wonder what he'd think if he knew you'd gone to a dance with Relena Peacecraft before."

"She was a Darlian back then," Heero answered absently.  And it wasn't quite accurate to say that he'd 'gone to the dance with Relena', but he didn't bother correcting him.  That whole night had been 'complicated', to say the least.  He frowned just thinking about it, so he decided to move on.  "Later... he was in my way.  I needed to get by him, but he was busy insulting one of our classmates.  Also regarding the dance.  I told him he was a fool and asked him to get out of my way."

He was interrupted with a wry chuckle.  "You ask a favor of a guy, Yuy, and you're probably not supposed to call him names, first."

Heero shrugged slightly.  It was difficult to remember to address Rick by name.  But then came the baffling part.  "In response, he said..."  He paused, as if doubting he had heard the words correctly.  "'That's not what your mom said last night.'"  The wrinkle in his brow deepened.  "What does that mean?"

Duo stared at him with a straight face.  Then his expression cracked a little and he had to press his lips together.  Then he twitched, and at last he released a mighty guffaw.

Heero raised an eyebrow at him.

He waved his hand in the air dismissively and squeezed some words out between the sounds of his amusement.  "Don't worry, man, I'm not laughing because he made a good joke or something.  It's stupid, is what it is.  I'm just laughing at you, because of that confused look on your face."

"Oh.  That's better."  Sadly, it was.  Better that Duo exercise his usual sense of humor, rather than fall to the level of that cretin.

"You amuse me, Yuy."

"That's nice."  Duo amused him, too, so it was a neatly reciprocal relationship they had going here.  "Do you know what that was supposed to mean?"

Duo considered being dishonest with the answer, but decided that it would be even more amusing to come out with the right one.  "Did his cronies do their stupid high-five routine?"


"Idiots."  He took a moment to do the obligatory eyeroll and shake of the head.  It seemed inadequate to express his completely unimpressed attitude toward the lot, but something needed to be done.  "Anyway.  He means he was doing your mom last night."

Heero blinked at him.  "Excuse me?"

"You know, like your mom's a whore or something."

That made only slightly more sense than the previous bit.  "Or she has very poor taste?"

Amusing, indeed.  "Yeah.  But she was satisfied by that caveman, which is the key part."

Heero didn't think anyone had ever insulted his mother before.  Huzzah for the new experiences.  Maybe it was something he could feed the shrinks at their next session.  That could be interesting.  "That's an insult these days?" he asked doubtfully, just to be sure.

"Calling your momma a whore?  Or at least a slut or something?  Yeah, sure, same as it's always been.  Unless you don't care about your momma.  Or in my case, unless it's probably true.  Well, not that she'd be willing to spread 'em for that moron, 'cuz yeah, I didn't know her, but I hope she had better sense in her than that."

He didn't know his mother, either, but he had to hope the same thing as well.  "So this is an insult to my mother, which is an insult to me..."  That much he understood, though the sudden reference to his mother had thrown him off a bit.  "But it's just as much an insult to him, isn't it?  That he's the sort of person that would go around 'doing' someone's mother."

Duo found Heero's odd sense of morality as humorous, and somehow fascinating, as the rest of it.  If there was something that puzzled Duo, it was how the guy had managed to kick so much ass during the war while doing things like saving princesses and defending their honor.  "Nah, 'cuz then he's hot enough that even your mother would go for him.  Guys dig that studly sort of stuff.  Getting laid an' all.  It's like the ultimate goal of any guy's life, so if he did manage to score with your mom, that'd be another point on his studliness scale."

Heero was glad he didn't qualify as 'any guy'.  "Do you qualify as 'any guy'?"

It took a moment for that to compute.  "Eww, no.  Fuck, what do you take me for?"

"'Any' is a fairly all-inclusive word."

"Okay, so you have a point, but you should be smart enough to figure out when I'm talking about 'in general', with exceptions and stuff.  Sheesh.  Do I look like I think with my dick?  Would I be tossing love notes and party invites if I did?"

Heero wasn't the brightest crayon in the box when it came to reading people some times, but his ability to read antagonism was strongly developed.  "I'm sorry, did I just call you a slut?"

"More importantly, you just classed me in with that shitface Rick.  Them's fightin' words."

"I apologize," he said sincerely.  "That was not my intention.  You just... seem to understand this... 'cultural phenomenon'?  Rather well."

The explanation was only slightly mollifying, but it served well enough to soothe Duo's raised hackles.  He had to remember that this was Heero, a guy who often said things that didn't sound very complimentary.  At the same time, though, he was well aware of the fact that this was Heero.  An idiot accusing him of slut-hood was nothing, but coming from Heero, it mutated into something else entirely.  "I've known a lot of idiots in my life, Yuy.  And yeah, idiocy can be infectious, but lucky for me, I have a good immune system."

"I'm sorry.  I haven't."

"Yeah, well, good for you," he said sourly.  There were far better things to be than an expert in idiot-kind.  "Kind of makes it funny, though, since it's impossible to insult you sometimes.  Just goes over your head."

"I think you just classed me with Rick.  Most of my insults would probably go over his head, too."

His expression twisted into something less grumpy and more dry.  "Sorry.  Hard not to go over the head of something so lowbrow, though.  Man, does it ever piss you off?  I mean, we fought and killed and bled so that idiots like him can make 'your mom' jokes?"

Heero shrugged.  "You can't pick whom you save.  You just have to save them all and let their god sort them out."

Duo stared at him.  Blinked hard a few times.  And then collapsed into something between a chortle and a helpless giggle.  He managed to stop a couple of times, but half an hour later, he was still erupting with the occasional short burst of laughter.

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2 comments or Leave a comment
jisa_hinode From: jisa_hinode Date: October 17th, 2011 08:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ha!! Loved this chapter too. Heero is wonderful combination of innocent and wise.

Your Heero is one of the best I've read so far. My favorite as far as I can recall.

Duo's great too, but it'll take a lot to top Sunhawk's Duo in The Ion Arc. I can't wait to read more and see how you develop him. :D
turnippatch From: turnippatch Date: October 18th, 2011 06:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Heero doesn't normally get much love in fic... I do what I can to tip the scales a bit in his direction. ^_^ My Duo probably won't top Sunhawk's, though.  I think he's well-developed, as he has to be to balance out Heero, but I frankly just don't show him as much love and attention as I do my Heero. ^^'
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